Inside that I cried

She didn’t want to talk today. Usually she would be her playful and jovial self; bursting with laughter and curiosity. Being the only girl to ‘frolic’ amongst the boys, a part of her was tender and soft to the touch; and her soul would extend past her maturing body. I watched her sulking on this day while looking out at a sunny landscape behind the grate of her High school classroom and I too felt the heaviness she also felt. I couldn’t find any words to say that would help dry the tears occasionally painting her face.

Like her I also felt disregarded; to the point of allowing the thoughts to lead me to the distractions that felt good. You know? Pourin’ it up, sippin’ it up; even lightin’ it up. I remember taking that train ride in twenty-degree weather after school to Washington Heights that one time too. That was where my favorite street hustler name ‘Balito’ would sell me the best weed I could find in all of New York City. Smoking that good weed from Balito helped me numb the feelings of disregard I felt as a kid; just like her. The distractions felt better and better as the feelings got louder and louder too; but then I began disguising my distractions as friendships a lot like she did.

It’s so amazing how friendships are meant to guide your soul in this thing called life but yet the lesson behind them can break your fragile heart as easily as a cheap wine glass. Although she still didn’t want to talk, I do remember her telling me about this one friend that she loved to the end of time. So much so that her days of ‘frolicking’ with the boys then changed her into the tender and soft young woman she was beginning to be. Starting the journey of learning about love came with its challenges but having a good friend served as a good guide. The essence of feminine energy began to bud as the opposite sex began to notice the flourishing of her lips, her astounding stature encountered by naivety. I believe she didn’t really want to tell me that her journey into womanhood began but I did start to notice the extra sway in her step; the extra curve in her lips whenever she smiled but I knew this ‘friend’ indulged in the budding youthfulness of her feminine essence. Having her head past the clouds, no one told her. No one told her that her ‘friend’ surpassed the experiences she began to have to the point of throwing fists fully naked to defend what she thought was guidance and love. He lied to her; and allowed his true love to assault her after they laid sweaty in the essence of what she thought was love.

Wishing that I had the opening line to the perfect conversation to console the betrayal and excessive feelings of sadness, I couldn’t help but to cry on the inside for her. Wanting to be accepted and loved so bad to the point of disregarding herself, she was too young to begin womanhood this way. The way she began to spiral out of control by staying out all hours of the night, being disrespectful to her parents, spending too much time with groups of men she felt would love her made my heart ache. It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to ask her but I thought to myself, why she would allow these men to take advantage of her? Why did she place herself in a position for them to watch her die slowly as she had an asthma attack that put her on life support and her family in heart wrenching agony? I know she wanted to be loved but love is not supposed to hurt you; and although she is young, I also became angry for her too.

As I was feeling a million emotions all at once while watching her continue to sulk and cry, I decided I had enough of allowing her to sit in the thoughts and emotions she was allowing to defeat her. She needs to know that she is loved; she IS love. The best love of all comes from within and I was committed to showing her how to love herself. And that guidance she’s always been looking for? That guidance she’s always needed comes from God up above and in this moment I also decided that I would teach her how to pray and ask God for guidance. Slowly and gently walking into her direction with these thoughts, I felt a tear well up in my eyes that was very hard to control. I sat down next to her and softly touched her hand. As she looked at me with silence in her eyes as if she was waiting for me to speak, I felt the warmth of my own tears fall into both of our hands. The depth of her pain marred the soul that once extended outside of her body. Looking at her with residual tears, I hugged her as if I birthed her from my own womb and wouldn’t let her go as I began to cry uncontrollably not realizing…….that she was me.