Breaking Forth

Used with permission from the author

Love. Light. Liberation.

All three words are also three sentences. And each of these sentences, each of these thoughts, complete on their own, have so much in them to be explored, expounded on, understood, untapped, unwrapped, and unraveled. For me, the journey through these complex spaces began in the year 2017 when I lost my mom, nuf said. Two months later, someone I consider a big sister, lost her daughter to murder–her one and only child and the only “niece” in the picture of my life. Two months after that, my husband of 12 years left. In a six month period of time, my earth quaked, my world crumbled and my hope shattered.

Those experiences shook me at the very foundation and core of who I thought myself to be, everything I knew about my identity. It was the major life-earthquake, followed by devastating tremors. See, earthquakes swallow things up, destroy things, obliterate things…and that’s what happened to my sense of knowing what was true or real. Everything that colored in the sketch of my life went gray and I fell into the deepest darkness depression that my adult mind could have ever imagined–never imagined happening in that way.

In order for me to get out of earth’s belly, I needed light. It was the cracks in the earth where faint slivers of possibility peeped through–God’s light–that I pushed and pressed with a fierce determination to let in. It shined through to and on all that had been swallowed up by these life-altering events. And God’s light beamed on my face, beat through my heart, breathed life again in me when I was lost, dead, gone.

My former self was no longer. I was a shell of what I’d once known. So I had no other choice but to tap into that light Source to find my way through all of what fell on me–all of the ruins that remained. Every bit of what energy I had left was to rediscover me at my base, my base identity. It was a (re)birth. The sacred scriptures say, “Unless a seed falls to the ground and dies, it cannot bear forth fruit.” My earthquake created space for a new seed to be planted and a new life to spring forth. This (re)birth needed light, water, and tending. And the darkness and isolation made it so I was the only one able to give me what I needed. My will was the only one that mattered. I had to be the one to get me to the place where I could break forth from the earth. I had to let God’s light in, receive the nourishing water and till the hardened ground to get to the other side of this darkness, to be in the light, fully in the light again.

The first beam of light that shifted the earth is inextricably connected to the most beautiful form of love. It’s God’s love that pierced past all of the dark places, found all the cracks, and moved past all of the debris to help me find a true self-love. I’m not talking about a self-help book kind of self-love–though they have their uses. I’m referring to that which is not a self-love that is self-centered, but does center self. I can (re)member being reintroduced to this self-love, a love that authentically chooses to learn all over again, like a baby first learning how to speak, how to move their hands, how to crawl, how to eat. The love I was (re)membering required me to literally unlearn and then relearn what it means to see myself whole and complete.

And that love had to be Divine. So in part, the love most necessary in my journey was first from whence I came. Spiritual, you know, transcendent love. It was from a Creator that radically loved and then loved all things, and a beloved that embodied the power to love the same.

The next blaze I felt was the love of my ancestors. I was provoked to respect and honor that there was no comparing where I was to what they traversed. They navigated dark spaces and places that made it possible for my life to exist. They knew far better than I ever could what I was going through. All I had to do was (re)member and listen. They were whisperers and witnesses, cheerleaders and champions– their spark of (re)vivial started with my mom. My mom was on the other side of this life, as not only light, but a (re)minder, that I am a miracle that came out from her, like I was now about to come forth from the earth. She breathed softly through my lungs, “There is no other you on the planet and you are the only one responsible for your joy, your peace and your freedom.”

And just like that, I had this otherworldly revelation about love that wasn’t seeded in external, physical or earthen vessels. This new awareness pushed me inward to places I had never gone. I was intimately re-educating me on my purest self and learning how to love all of the places, even the places that echo shame. This love strengthened me and made me soft all at once. I was empowered to push onward.

The final burst of light overwhelmed me as I emerged from the abyss. It felt like what I could only imagine a newborn’s entry feels like when she breaks forth into this unknown, unfamiliar world. I was frightened and exhilarated, cold and hungry, alone and pure. I felt the full power and warmth of the sun. My colors revealed, my hope returned, possibility loomed. Without playing too much on metaphors, the Son’s light and sunlight were the elements that welcomed me, guided me and kept me in those early days after I was finally on the other side. I was free.“He whom the Son sets free is free indeed.” It was the love and light of God and my ancestors that paved the way for me to walk in the love and light of me.

Forgive. Repair. Heal. Repeat.

These are the fruit of liberation. My (re)birth, (re)membering and (re)vival are reliant on my choosing to forgive, repair and live in a perpetual healing flow. It is not a lie or a fallacy to admit and accept that dark days come or heaviness comes or loss comes or confusion comes or losing yourself to find yourself comes. A truth is, when you deeply understand what it feels like to walk boldly and unashamed in light and love, no matter the natural or spiritual disaster, you are liberated. It is in knowing that it isn’t a final place or destination. Rather, it is a lifelong pursuit.

And when you reach these earthquake— milestone— moments, they have the potential to transform you into more of your truest self or more of a hollow being. But when you give way, lean in and let go, all things align. Everything in the heavens and everything in the earth just come into alignment. There is this supernatural, unbelievable metamorphosis that happens in and to your innermost self. And, if you are fortunate, you get seeded and move through the earth and to the other side multiple times in your life, always breaking forth more and more like you–bearing fruit, fruit that remains.